I’m not joining. there’s no way I’d make it there. fuck it. forget it all

whaddup no one, how’s it going?

4 days later and im still sad tbh. currently about to begin week three of couch to 5k and that’s pretty much all ive been doing at the gym. well, today i did legs- i think i have a booty already but what’s making me sad is my belly. i just want to get rid of my belly yet i want things to enter into it. doesn’t a donut sound divine right now? my lunch, that i’ll eat maybe in 1-2 hours is merely spinach, eggs, chicken breast from two days ago, bacon, and some more greens. kind of dreading it. might add acai if i’m not full or satiated. lots of things on my mind; first and foremost, it’s the fact that last time i ate a lunch like this two days ago, i felt very very weak the next day- bleh. secondly, sometimes my friends suck but i’m trying not to let that bother me. anyway, thirdly, the scale won’t go down. it isn’t pushing past 205-206 but man, it’s super depressing when my goal was to reach the 190s by the time the new year hit. almost 10 days later and i feel farther from that goal than on the last week of December. bleh bleh bleh. can’t i just lose weight? i emailed a health plan doctor program and the prices are astronomical, therefore, impossible. i guess i’m just discouraged because i want to lose the weight like yesterday and join already. i really want to talk to a recruiter already but it’s more than pointless at this juncture while i’m still out about 60lbs away from where i need to be. so today i;m still sad. yesterday i was more sad but yesterday i was also tired. i’m well rested today but sad because it doesn’t feel like i’m going anywhere. if anything, it feels like i’m going backwards. can my belly just like go away? i’m tired all the time and i’m not even losing weight!!!! i took a progress picture and compared it to the one last month and i’m literally gaining back fat. can 2020 just chill with me please? can things get easier? please. i’m just so sad i want to lose weight already

bye for now,

so like,, it’s been more than a month. some omad, probably 40% or less if I actually thought it out. currently at a rough place because I messed up the most last night and ate for about 9 hours instead of my usual at least less than 8. smallest time I’ve fasted was approx 18 hours but might not be the case today. I had two 36hr fasts…..

but very sad my progress isn’t as fast and I just feel like a fat whale tbh but oh well

– sad smiles and going thru the motions

hiiiiii,

so i kind of kept having to ask myself what day of omad am i on…. and well if im being honestly i barely know the days anyway because school is killing ya girl. pray for me that i’ll survive the next three weeks pls.

it’s day four, btw. so far it’s been fine. i think the only time i’ve felt very hungry was this morning; mind you, it’s the first day out of the four i’m really out and out with a schedule- waking up around 7am for classes and work all day.

oh, and i weighed myself today! 211.4lbs, truly a bummer. i thought i was around 210 and would be on my way down to 200 at this point. lolol my body is like “b*tch, you thought”.

this kind of left me in a mini-slump that was lifted when i reached out on twitter asking if anyone has done intermittent fasting before and two very lovely ladies helped give me insights on their journey and directed me to many resources like the reddit thread on intermittent fasting so that was definitely cool.

there are times i almost forget i’m still in fasting mode. like, this morning- i was packing my lunch and almost licked my fingers just out of habit! not sure how much that would affect my progress but i caught myself last minute. i’m kind of scared i’m gonna break the fast subconsciously.

as weirdly as it seems, smelling food is helpful in some way. i’ve always been a person that enjoys smelling food. the smell doesn’t necessarily trigger me so far but kind of is just really nice, haha.

gonna leave it here because it’s midnight and i want to get rid of wanting to see immediate results. it’s late and i’m incoherent already.

goodnight to all and none,

impatient

i didn’t mention this before but a MAJOR barrier between joining the AF is my weight. i currently weigh maybe two bucks and a dime, if i’m being nice. that’s 210 lbs and that’s being very generous. i was originally at 221 in june but i went to the gym for three months and lost maybe 10 pounds but stopped going. things went downhill from there. i’ve been trying to lose weight but it’s hard (duh) especially emotionally/mentally. i bought a gym membership, registration fee and all for almost $120 and have only gone maybe 4 times in total. not making any progress on this front.

so i randomly decided to try the OMAD intermittent fasting plan. again, something i never thought i would do since the 16:8 thing was hard for me. but go big or go home, right? why not add more stress?????? i’m a masochist that way.

anyway, yesterday was thanksgiving and i last ate/drank at 7pm. i had my meal today at 1pm-2pm and have not ate anything else since then. i still feel full from lunch or maybe from all the water i’m drinking. *shrugs*

so i’m gonna hopefully try to do OMAD for a week and then a month, if possible. again, your girl is desperate for a quick fix and i think i need to learn the hard way on this. it’ll be hard – i’m studying for my exams and it’s getting closer to the end of the semester. say a prayer for your girl if you would like to.

that’s all for tonight.

here’s to knowing headaches are to come and hoping i don’t faint,

still desperate

as mentioned in my last post, i am a fifth year (i always feel the need to mention this so i can get empathy) undergrad senior and for some reason, my mind is only focused on one thing after graduation: the AF. now let me tell you, the military is the absolutely last thing i have ever thought was possible for me. i’ve always been the fat kid and that person who is always last at everything but my mind is telling me i can one day, preferably within a year after grad in May 2020, become part of the “world’s finest AF”.

first of all, why the AF? because 1) benefits and 2) it seems tangible. now before number one rages or offends anyone, i’m 1000000% joking. what my mind considers benefits is the possibility of maybe finding someone who would like to marry me. woah nelly, let’s stop here. first, i probably sound desperate and maybe this is the case but when you live in a place that feels like a fishbowl yet having no one interested in you, you tend to somehow end up that way. secondly, this “benefit” is not only stereotyping those who are in it- i’m not, but i’m just thinking about the numbers here. there’s bound to be someone who has remote interest in plain ol’ me…. right? i just need to find someone who is maybe as desperate for something as i am and be in the right place at the right time. oh, i’ve given up on finding my one true love if you haven’t been able to tell yet. twenty two years of no one liking you, will lessen your confidence.

don’t worry, i’m absolutely sure my reality check will come no later than the flight to BMT (assuming i get there), so bear with me. and check back later to see if anyone has liked me.

so that’s where i am and catch my next post to see how i recklessly decide to try to get to where i’m hopefully gonna be one day

yours and mine,

rash, desperate, and hopeless

hiiiii, all or no one. welcome to me- someone not much but someone with a to-do list longer than the colorado river. as one can see, i have enlisted improper punctuation and if that bothers you, take comfort in the fact that it bothers me too. see, it’s engrained in me to be, speak, and write properly. however, it’s time to do things i never expect myself to do- a theme you’ll probably see over and over again here.

sincerely,

fifth year undergraduate senior that plans to not use her degree(s)

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